MattOnFire

Me: Hi. I’d like to buy this classic hot rod calendar for my father in-law.
Clerk: Okay. That’ll be $8. Credit or debit?
Me: Debit. [SWWWIIIIPPPEE]
Clerk: Your card was declined.
Me: Huh? Nuh-uh. [SWWWIPPPEEE again]
Clerk: Declined.
Me: Shut the front door.
Clerk: Fo’ realz.
Me: Crap.

—10 minutes later—

Ring ring. Ring ring
Bank lady: What up. This is the bank. What’s your beef?
Me: My card was declined. What’s up with that?
Bank lady: You’re overdrawn $8,148.00.
Me: No way! Why?
Bank lady: Because you made a big overdraw.
Me: No I didn’t.
Bank lady: Yes you did.
Me: No I didn’t.
Bank lady: Yes you did.
Me: Ummm… No I didn’t.
Bank lady: Really?
Me: Really. I didn’t. I swear.
Bank lady: Hmph. Says here you did.
Me: C’mon! I didn’t!
Bank lady: Alright. Let me see what’s goin’ on here.

—10 minutes of being on hold—

Bank lady: Who’s this?
Me: It’s me. The guy with the $8,000 overdraft?
Bank lady: Oh, you’re still here?
Me: Yup. Still here.
Bank lady: Our bad. We effed up. You’re account is all golden now.
Me: So I can resume my holiday shopping?
Bank lady: I don’t care what you do.
Me: Cool. Peace out. Hope you have a nice Christmas.
Bank lady: Honey, I live in India. Everyday is Christmas.
Me: What does that even mean?
Bank lady: [hangs up]

—30 minutes later—

Me: I’d like to buy this sweet hot rod calendar.
Clerk: Debit or credit?
Me: Debit. [SWWWIIIPPPPEEE]
Clerk: Here you go. Have a nice Christmas.
Me: Honey, I live in America. Everyday is Christmas.

Here we are on the whole house situation:

Offer in, offer accepted. Inspection done, problems noticed. Asked to fix, waiting for reply. I think it will go in our favor. We offered to fix some stuff on our own and offered to pay half of the larger expenses. How can they say no? We should hear back soon. I’m looking forward to moving in next month and starting my new suburban life. Maybe I’ll start jogging. Or buy an SUV. Or learn about lawn care. Or wave to the neighbors instead of flipping them off.

Here we are on the whole Christmas situation:

I have no idea what to get you people. Be prepared for a gift card to either Home Depot or Best Buy or Starbucks or the movie theater. We have no money, what with the house and all, so you’ll be lucky to receive enough to get a half a Grande Peppermint Spice Latte. And I apologize if you happen to receive the same gift that you got me last year. I’m a chronic regifter. Hey! These are tough economic times! And I have no need for a fancy decaf tea sampler.

As for the wife, I still haven’t bought her gift. We agreed to keep it on the cheap and just get each other one present. I hope she likes Skittles. I know I do. A whole 48oz bag of ‘em.

Here we are on the whole cat & dog situation:

The stupid cat likes to gnaw on my hand while I watch TV. I mean, he really goes to town. I usually pull my sleeve over my hand and let him chew away, but he has learned how to thwart my defenses. I now have to wear gloves at all times, otherwise Mr. Noodles will jump out from under a blanket and latch on to my dainty widdle hands with his cat teeth. On the plus side, it makes my hands look like I do a lot of manual labor. Or it makes me look like a emo cutter. Either way, my wife thinks it’s sexy. Can humans catch feline AIDS?

The dog smells like dirty ears and gym shorts. I gave him a bath about a month ago when we had some nice weather. No, I don’t bathe him inside the house because that would be like trying to tame a moose. A moose in a bathtub. A hairy moose in a bathtub. A hairy moose that smells like moose poop in a bathtub. A hairy moose that smells like moose poop who also happens to have seizures when he gets too excited. Anyway – I think I’m gonna have to pay to have this little moose professionally detailed. Maybe they can put some of that shiny polish on his underside. We’re getting ready for the long drive up to NY, and I don’t want to have to smell his stankass in a confined space for 9 hours.

I guess that’s about it. There isn’t too much to update because I’ve been careful not to go out and put myself into situations where I have to spend money. I hope everyone enjoys their holiday and watch out for flying reindeer. Oh, man! I should’ve used the reindeer analogy instead of the moose. Crap!

So we’ve been house hunting for the better part of a month now, and it’s starting to get frustrating. We found a great home in the exact location that we wanted, but at the tip-tip-top of our price range. We put in an offer for considerably less (really, we put in the offer at what the house should actually be worth, according to comparable homes in the area and all that real-estate jargon) and the sellers counter-offered with a price higher than their original asking price. WHAT? We went back and forth with negotiations for a week before we finally decided to back away and let this house go.

Now we’ve re-focused our search to include areas that are a bit farther from the city, where we can get more house for our money. Bang for our buck. Garage. Square footage. Fenced in yard. Easy access to pizza and Mexican restaurants. Living next door to people with “Palin 2012″ bumper stickers. Yikes.

Many of the houses we’ve seen in our price range are in our price range for a reason. They need a substantial amount of updating or have a little bit of damage. We’re fine with performing some updates, but renovations and foundation repair are definitely not in our budget. And I certainly am not the most handy of men. I’m a writer who sometimes crafts articles about kitchen renovations and vinyl siding, but put a hammer in my hand and I’ll use it to tenderize a steak.

In all, I think we’ve seen at least 30 houses. Maybe more. The good part about seeing so many is that you can eliminate most of them right off the bat, usually as soon as you walk in – or before you walk in. Steep driveway? Forget it. I’m outta here. Cemetery in the backyard? Keep driving. The noxious blast of cat pee ammonia hits you when you open the front door? Close that door and run away.

The bad thing about seeing so many houses, though, is that the decent ones all start to look the same. It’s hard to think back and remember which house had what deck or did the living room have crown moulding or what type of countertops were installed with hardwood floors or was that laminate and I think the bathroom had new fixtures and there was a really big closet and why doesn’t this kitchen have a range hood and did you see the backyard? It was pretty nice. I think. I can’t remember.

I’m confident we’ll find our new palace soon and will be able to take advantage of the recently-extended $8,000 tax credit. However, I’m afraid we’re comparing every home we see to the one that we really liked and put the offer on. Are we being too picky? Our agent says no – we’re being smart. I don’t want to buy a house just for the sake of buying one, but I am very aware that there are a lot of crappers in our low price range. So, it’s not a matter of SETTLING for a house, it’s more of a matter of getting the most for our money, and there’s a good chance that our money can only afford a house that needs some degree of work.

I’ve been reading fellow Richmonders YoungHouseLove. I’m watching way too much HGTV (have you seen Holmes on Homes? That show is pretty frackin’ cool. He’s one crafty Canadian). And I’m working extra hard, almost doubling the amount of freelance writing I do in order to earn the extra scratch we’ll need for homestuffs.

We’re going out again today to look at more houses. There are a couple homes on our short list that I really like, but Wifey has to like them, too. It’s tough to find one that we both equally love. One that we’re going into today is one that I’ve already seen on my own. I think the Wife is really going to like it. But it’s priced at the absolute top of our range, which makes both of us nervous. Stupid money.

According to my calculations, (yes, I know how to do calculations thanks to my iPhone’s calculator function) September 2009 will be the month that I make more money than I ever did during any month working for The Man(s). For the first time since my untimely departure from a Richmond meat factory media conglomerate in April, I’ll be pulling in grown-up wages with grown-up decimal points and grown-up commas. Okay, just one comma. But still – there’s a comma in there and I likey.

I’ve packaged my skills into a nice little writing/blogging/communication machine and I couldn’t be happier with the work I’ve been doing or the connections I’ve made. Next stop: business license. At some point, I’ll need to make it legit. Who wants some of this? Come get it.

I had a chat last week with someone who is quickly turning into my business mentor (whether she accepts that role or not) about turning unemployment into a business. Selling yourself. Being the business. Doing what you love and putting yourself to work, despite not having a ‘traditional’ job. Following your heart and being happy. It’s real, folks. People do it all the time – sometime’s they’re forced into it because of unemployment (like me). Some people need a push. Some people will never be able to truly pursue happiness because they can’t grow a pair and put forth the effort. I’m happy things turned out the way they did for me. It’s still very much a work in progress, but I think I’m on the right track. The rough thing about freelance writing is that the work can always stop coming in. The good thing, however, is that there is always more work to be found.

I spent all of last week working diligently on articles, videos and blogs. I researched, edited, rendered, and created. I did it all from the comfort of my office, sporting gym shorts and scruffy facial hair. I hung out with some of my favorite Richmond bloggers, including 1/2 of this team and this crazy lady on Thursday. The Wife took me out for a delayed birthday dinner at a fancy-schmancy restaurant on Saturday. I worked malljob for a few hours here and there. I went grocery shopping at bought real honest-to-goodness food that doesn’t come prepackaged or in a box with a smiling glove on the front. I hung out with friends and watched football all day yesterday and reveled in a Buffalo Bills victory. I’m keeping extremely busy. If by ‘busy’, you include the time I spend wrapping tin-foil around the cat’s paws then throwing pieces of ham at him while he’s temporarily immobilized.

Tell you what – that cat doesn’t like to be wrapped in aluminum foil. The dog thought it was hilarious, though. Until I covered him in bedsheets and hit him with couch pillows. Now both him and the cat are holding secret meetings in the basement. I think they’re trying to booby-trap the staircase with trip wire and flying paint cans, Home Alone-style. You know how kids get really frustrated with something that they can’t do and start shaking and crying and punching the air? Hey guys, let me know when you grow some opposable thumbs and learn to tie an overhand knot.

I spend a nice portion of my day playing Rambo with those two. God help me when I have children. It’s gonna be like the Saw movies up in here.

I took the advice from Dr. Dre and Snoop Dogg and have been chilling ’til the next episode, and I think the next chapter of my unemployment is about to begin. The next episode is here, dear readers, and it’s freakin’ scary.

Truth: After our wedding, we compiled a small amount of savings to which we contributed if we ever had an extra few bones lying around after our fancy dinners at Mexican restaurants and our exotic and extravagant weekend jaunts to Buffalo. It wasn’t much, but it was a start to what I hoped would one day become a down-payment on a home or at least a super big TV. Whatever that money was destined to become, I’ll never know. Instead, it became rent, car payments, insurance payments, credit card payments and groceries. It’s almost gone. In about a week, it will ALL be gone. Nothing. Not a dime.

Truth: Some bills will not be paid this month. Sorry, but I can’t. I don’t have it. I would gladly offer you another form of payment, but last time I checked, you don’t accept a pillowcase full of dog hair. I have to decide which bills to pay and which ones to forego. I suppose I’ll skip the ones that will have the least negative impact on my credit. Like the electric bill. Heh… don’t turn me off just yet, Dominion Virginia Power. I need the internet so I can write blogs and apply to jobs. And speaking of the internet, I’m sorry to say, but that’s next on my cancellation list – which is hard for me to swallow because I use it for some freelance writing gigs (that obviously aren’t paying enough for me to keep the service).

Truth: My wife and I each have an iPhone, which was a stellar and affordable choice this time last year. However, I’m embarrassed to pull it out of my pocket now. I feel like one of those people who are buying their groceries with food stamps and claim to not have enough money to feed their babies, yet they have professionally manicured nails, designer clothes and drive an Escalade with big shiny rims. How the hell can I afford the service plan for our phones, but still risk having the power turned off? Well, I can’t afford it. But we’re under contract. I’m not sure if I can swap out our phones for a basic phone with a minimal plan, but I need to look into it. But, by golly, I’m going to miss this phone if I ever have to give it up. They’re gonna have to pry it out of my hands with a shoehorn and try to stifle my public screaming sobs.

Truth: I have an interview tomorrow morning. Yup, it’s true. I awoke to an email inbox that had a couple responses to some of the résumés I sent out recently. One of those responding companies offered me an interview. We set it up for tomorrow at 11am. So wish me luck. I would be lying if I said I wasn’t skeptical, though. In truth, most people who have been responding to my emails have represented some sort of scam or door-to-door sales job. Maybe it’s just me being cynical, but I approach all of these potential job opportunities with a high degree of caution. But at the same time, I need a damn job with a paycheck. So I’m gonna get all suity-suited up and put on big smile and find out what deal is with this company. Maybe it’ll be great. I hope it is. I’m telling myself it will be. It will be. Right? Cross your fingers for me.

This is Day 70, folks. I know I seem upbeat and hopeful and cheery and fun and silly and optimistic. For the most part, I am. That’s me. That’s my natural personality. But come visit me at 3AM when I’m laying in bed, staring up at the ceiling, wondering when our lives will get back on track.