Me: No, Barista. The point of olympic curling is to…
TLW: You gotta sweep really, really fast like this [demonstrates feverish sweeping]
Barista: It sounds kinda dumb.
As we try to explain the complexities of curling to a confused Barista, FELLOW walks over and puts his arms around us. Mind you, we’ve all been drinking.
Fellow: GUYS! It’s like the Richmond blogger elite over here!
Us, collectively: Aww, thanks. No, YOU’RE the blogger elite!
Fellow: But seriously, MattOnFire is the blog of our times!
Me: Aw, go on!
Fellow: Really, I read your blog and I absolutely feel SOOOO happy that I have a job.
TLW: [Spit take]
Barista: [Doubled over, laughing]
Fellow: No, seriously. I love it. I mean, you’re blog makes me glad that I’m working and you’re not. Really. It sucks to not have a job and I’m glad I’m not you.
Barista: You’re making it worse!
Me: But I kinda do have a…
Fellow: No, really! It’s really shitty being you. Your blog makes me feel bad for you, but in a way that makes me happy I’m not you.
Me: But I AM sort of working…
TLW: This is too much!
Fellow: No, no. I get it. You do work, but your life is like a box of poop and your blog is the BLOG OF OUR TIMES!
Me: Yeah, but no. I have a pretty good life. I …
Fellow: Yeah, yeah. You bought a house. How is that possible? What an asshole, right? Here’s this unemployed guy who is so frustrated with money and life and the job situation – then he goes out and buys a house! I mean!
Barista: Oh. My.
Fellow: I’m obviously doing something wrong because I have a job and I work really hard. Yet I don’t have a house. You see my point, though? You have THE BLOG OF OUR TIMES because 2009 was a shitty year for the economy and stuff, and here’s your blog about losing your job and all the frustrations that come along with it. The next thing you know, you’re buying a house! And you don’t even have a job!
Me: Well, I do sort of have a job. I write for…
Fellow: Yeah, yeah. I know.
Me: It’s not like I stare at the walls all day long and…
Fellow: OF OUR TIMES. THE BLOG.
TLW: Are you trying to pay him a compliment?
Fellow: Yes! Of course! I love MattOnFire! He makes me feel shitty, and that’s what good writing should do. It’s like, “Congrats on the house… asshole.” You’re happy for him, but you’re glad you’re not him. See?
Fellow: Seriously. I love the blog. Glad I’m not you.
FELLOW saunters off to the bar for his next Bud Light. I overhear him tell the bartender that he’s really glad that bartenders serve drinks because he is thirsty, but he’s happy he’s not a bartender because it must suck serving alcohol to people.
Barista: Really, though. Congrats on the house, jerk.
TLW: Yeah. I’m really happy for you. I don’t have a house, but I’m glad you do. Must suck being “unemployed”, huh?
Me: Anyway, the rocks are made of granite and the sweeping causes friction on the ice…
Editor’s note: FELLOW is a respected Richmond blogger and friend, who was truly trying to pay me a compliment… just in a drunkenly awkward way.