MattOnFire

Me: Hi. I’d like to buy this classic hot rod calendar for my father in-law.
Clerk: Okay. That’ll be $8. Credit or debit?
Me: Debit. [SWWWIIIIPPPEE]
Clerk: Your card was declined.
Me: Huh? Nuh-uh. [SWWWIPPPEEE again]
Clerk: Declined.
Me: Shut the front door.
Clerk: Fo’ realz.
Me: Crap.

—10 minutes later—

Ring ring. Ring ring
Bank lady: What up. This is the bank. What’s your beef?
Me: My card was declined. What’s up with that?
Bank lady: You’re overdrawn $8,148.00.
Me: No way! Why?
Bank lady: Because you made a big overdraw.
Me: No I didn’t.
Bank lady: Yes you did.
Me: No I didn’t.
Bank lady: Yes you did.
Me: Ummm… No I didn’t.
Bank lady: Really?
Me: Really. I didn’t. I swear.
Bank lady: Hmph. Says here you did.
Me: C’mon! I didn’t!
Bank lady: Alright. Let me see what’s goin’ on here.

—10 minutes of being on hold—

Bank lady: Who’s this?
Me: It’s me. The guy with the $8,000 overdraft?
Bank lady: Oh, you’re still here?
Me: Yup. Still here.
Bank lady: Our bad. We effed up. You’re account is all golden now.
Me: So I can resume my holiday shopping?
Bank lady: I don’t care what you do.
Me: Cool. Peace out. Hope you have a nice Christmas.
Bank lady: Honey, I live in India. Everyday is Christmas.
Me: What does that even mean?
Bank lady: [hangs up]

—30 minutes later—

Me: I’d like to buy this sweet hot rod calendar.
Clerk: Debit or credit?
Me: Debit. [SWWWIIIPPPPEEE]
Clerk: Here you go. Have a nice Christmas.
Me: Honey, I live in America. Everyday is Christmas.

The last thing I want to do is complain about the little part time job I am fortunate enough to have, but anyone who works in retail will tell you that attempting to schedule time off around a holiday is like trying to get Amy Winehouse to go to rehab.

Ain’t gonna happen. No, no, no.

Originally, the 4th of July holiday weekend plans were for us to leave for Charlotte tonight and visit with my sister. My parents are also driving down from Buffalo, so it would be a nice family visit for a few days. When I took the mall job, my first order of business was to create a list of all the upcoming days that I would need off, including an August trip to Buffalo for my Grandfather’s birthday, a wedding in October in which I’m one of the groomsmen, and this Independence Day weekend. You can imagine my surprise when the schedule for this week was posted and I saw my name down for a Friday shift.

Me: “Um… you know I’m going to be out of town, right?”
Manager: “Yeah, well, so is everyone else. We grant time-off requests based on business needs.”
Me: “Okay, but again, you know I’m going to be out of town, right?”
Manager: “Sorry. There’s no one to cover it.”
Me: “Okay, but I’m not going to be in the state. You see the predicament here, right?“
Manager: “Sorry.”
Me: “I’m confused. How am I supposed to be in two places at once?”
Manager: “…”
Me: “Fine. See you on Friday.”
Manager: “Actually, I’ll be out of town.”

So we’re cutting the trip short. I’ll still get to visit with my family, but only for a day or two. My wife already had the day off, but since we’re not going until later, she’s going to go into work. We discussed not going at all (because we really can’t afford it anyway), but good ol’ mom bribed us with gas money and a couple of cases of Labatt Blue and a family pack of Sahlen’s Hot Dogs.

Really, this way is better. The original game plan was to kennel the dog, and if you’ve ever kenneled a dog, you know it’s not cheap – especially when they throw in all the extras like having a human look in his general direction or poking him with a broom handle. But thanks to the wacky world of retail, we can leave him in the house for a couple of days with a few chew toys and pack of smokes. He’ll be fine. My buddy has agreed to look after him and all it will cost me is a couple bottles of Labatt Blue and a few hot dogs.

Lord knows we’ll do almost anything for extra money these days, so I’m really not upset about having to work. I just thought it was funny (and demeaning) that a request for time off could be blatantly ignored with no explanation.

In other news, my Jamaican wife picked up yet ANOTHER job. She’ll be slingin’ scrambled eggs and bloody-marys at a museum district hotspot on the weekends starting in two weeks. So if you’re out for brunch in RVA, tip your waitress handsomely. It could be my water bill you’re helping to pay.

This is Day 78, folks. Looking forward to visiting Charlotte, if only for a short time. Any of you Charlotte-area employers want to do a face-to-face interview on a holiday weekend? Hit me up.