MattOnFire

Here we are on the whole house situation:

Offer in, offer accepted. Inspection done, problems noticed. Asked to fix, waiting for reply. I think it will go in our favor. We offered to fix some stuff on our own and offered to pay half of the larger expenses. How can they say no? We should hear back soon. I’m looking forward to moving in next month and starting my new suburban life. Maybe I’ll start jogging. Or buy an SUV. Or learn about lawn care. Or wave to the neighbors instead of flipping them off.

Here we are on the whole Christmas situation:

I have no idea what to get you people. Be prepared for a gift card to either Home Depot or Best Buy or Starbucks or the movie theater. We have no money, what with the house and all, so you’ll be lucky to receive enough to get a half a Grande Peppermint Spice Latte. And I apologize if you happen to receive the same gift that you got me last year. I’m a chronic regifter. Hey! These are tough economic times! And I have no need for a fancy decaf tea sampler.

As for the wife, I still haven’t bought her gift. We agreed to keep it on the cheap and just get each other one present. I hope she likes Skittles. I know I do. A whole 48oz bag of ‘em.

Here we are on the whole cat & dog situation:

The stupid cat likes to gnaw on my hand while I watch TV. I mean, he really goes to town. I usually pull my sleeve over my hand and let him chew away, but he has learned how to thwart my defenses. I now have to wear gloves at all times, otherwise Mr. Noodles will jump out from under a blanket and latch on to my dainty widdle hands with his cat teeth. On the plus side, it makes my hands look like I do a lot of manual labor. Or it makes me look like a emo cutter. Either way, my wife thinks it’s sexy. Can humans catch feline AIDS?

The dog smells like dirty ears and gym shorts. I gave him a bath about a month ago when we had some nice weather. No, I don’t bathe him inside the house because that would be like trying to tame a moose. A moose in a bathtub. A hairy moose in a bathtub. A hairy moose that smells like moose poop in a bathtub. A hairy moose that smells like moose poop who also happens to have seizures when he gets too excited. Anyway – I think I’m gonna have to pay to have this little moose professionally detailed. Maybe they can put some of that shiny polish on his underside. We’re getting ready for the long drive up to NY, and I don’t want to have to smell his stankass in a confined space for 9 hours.

I guess that’s about it. There isn’t too much to update because I’ve been careful not to go out and put myself into situations where I have to spend money. I hope everyone enjoys their holiday and watch out for flying reindeer. Oh, man! I should’ve used the reindeer analogy instead of the moose. Crap!

Me: I think I’d like a sandwich. 
Dog: Can I have one, too? 
Me: No. You have dog food. Why don’t you eat that like a normal dog. 
Cat: Yo, what up, beotches? Can a kitteh get some vittles up in here? 
Me: Dammit, I just fed you an hour ago. 
Cat: Yo, calm down, whiteboy. I just want a slice of that turkey. Is that turkey? That’s turkey, right? Can I get a slice? 
Me: Get off the counter! 
Dog: Hey, cat! Grab me a slice of that turkey! 
Me: Dammit! Get out of here, both of you! 
Cat: Oh, snap! That shit ain’t turkey! Homeboy got some thinly sliced chicken breast up in here! Holla! 
Dog: This is soooo not fair. I have to eat processed chunks of cornmeal and beef-flavored horse meat. I demand a decent meal – or at least a snack – every once in a while. You know how I like chicken, too. This is preposterous. 
Cat: So… I’m just gonna take this here piece of chicken and… 
Me: NO! GET DOWN! [picks up cat and throws him in the other room]. 
Cat: DAAAAMMMMMNNNNNN! 
Dog: You’re a real asshole, you know that? 
Me: This is MY food. I paid for it. With MY money. That I made. What the hell have you ever done to earn your keep around here? 
Dog: Oh, I don’t know. How ’bout not let burglars and murderers in the house? Ever think of that? 
Me: … 
Dog: That’s right. Remember that kid selling magazines the other day? Total burglar! I scared him away. 
Me: You just barked a lot because he’s black and you’re a flaming racist. 
Dog: Well… whatever. He might have been a burglar and you weren’t going to buy Golf Fancy Monthly anyway. Just give me some frickin’ turkey! 
Me: It’s chicken. 
Dog: WhatEVERRR. Damn. You’re a dick. 
Me: [Goes to the fridge to get the mayonnaise. Yes, I eat mayo.] EAT YOUR OWN DAMN FOOD. 
Cat: [secretly climbs his way back onto the counter and starts licking the chicken breast] Guess who’s back up in this mofo! Dayuummmm! This is some good-ass chicken! What is this, Boar’s Head? What, What! Hey, Dog, catch! [nudges a side of the sandwich into the gaping mouth of Dog.] 
Me: SONOFABITCH! Get out. NOW! [opens the back door. Cat & Dog laughing hysterically race outside. Dog is doing the moonwalk and the cat is thrusting his pelvis like he's violently humping the air.] 
Cat: Yeah, booooyyyyyy! [singing] We gots the chicken. It be nice and tasty. I ate that chicken. Whiteboy be crazy. 
Dog: I’m gonna go pee on the lawn mower.

According to my calculations, (yes, I know how to do calculations thanks to my iPhone’s calculator function) September 2009 will be the month that I make more money than I ever did during any month working for The Man(s). For the first time since my untimely departure from a Richmond meat factory media conglomerate in April, I’ll be pulling in grown-up wages with grown-up decimal points and grown-up commas. Okay, just one comma. But still – there’s a comma in there and I likey.

I’ve packaged my skills into a nice little writing/blogging/communication machine and I couldn’t be happier with the work I’ve been doing or the connections I’ve made. Next stop: business license. At some point, I’ll need to make it legit. Who wants some of this? Come get it.

I had a chat last week with someone who is quickly turning into my business mentor (whether she accepts that role or not) about turning unemployment into a business. Selling yourself. Being the business. Doing what you love and putting yourself to work, despite not having a ‘traditional’ job. Following your heart and being happy. It’s real, folks. People do it all the time – sometime’s they’re forced into it because of unemployment (like me). Some people need a push. Some people will never be able to truly pursue happiness because they can’t grow a pair and put forth the effort. I’m happy things turned out the way they did for me. It’s still very much a work in progress, but I think I’m on the right track. The rough thing about freelance writing is that the work can always stop coming in. The good thing, however, is that there is always more work to be found.

I spent all of last week working diligently on articles, videos and blogs. I researched, edited, rendered, and created. I did it all from the comfort of my office, sporting gym shorts and scruffy facial hair. I hung out with some of my favorite Richmond bloggers, including 1/2 of this team and this crazy lady on Thursday. The Wife took me out for a delayed birthday dinner at a fancy-schmancy restaurant on Saturday. I worked malljob for a few hours here and there. I went grocery shopping at bought real honest-to-goodness food that doesn’t come prepackaged or in a box with a smiling glove on the front. I hung out with friends and watched football all day yesterday and reveled in a Buffalo Bills victory. I’m keeping extremely busy. If by ‘busy’, you include the time I spend wrapping tin-foil around the cat’s paws then throwing pieces of ham at him while he’s temporarily immobilized.

Tell you what – that cat doesn’t like to be wrapped in aluminum foil. The dog thought it was hilarious, though. Until I covered him in bedsheets and hit him with couch pillows. Now both him and the cat are holding secret meetings in the basement. I think they’re trying to booby-trap the staircase with trip wire and flying paint cans, Home Alone-style. You know how kids get really frustrated with something that they can’t do and start shaking and crying and punching the air? Hey guys, let me know when you grow some opposable thumbs and learn to tie an overhand knot.

I spend a nice portion of my day playing Rambo with those two. God help me when I have children. It’s gonna be like the Saw movies up in here.

Me: [Sleeping] Zzz… Zzz… Zzz...

Dog: [Resting his head on the bed mere inches from my slumbering face] Siiiiigggghhhhh.

Me: Zzz… Zzz…

Cat: [Jumps up on the bed, then on top of me and walks the entire length of my body, from toe to head and begins to nibble on my nose].

Me: Zzz… Zzz… ZzOUCH! [Opening my eyes, all I can see is orange and brown fur and feel something cold and wet inside my mouth. It's the dog's nose]. DAAAAMMMMMMMM IITTTTTTTTTT!

[Dog and Cat high-five each other and bolt out of my bedroom]

Me: [mumbling] …wake me up… nose in my mouth… stupid cat face… dog ass all up in my business… trying get some sleep… stupid jerk animals…

I gruffly throw the covers aside and sit up. Rubbing my eyes, I turn my head over my right shoulder to check the clock.

Neck: *CRRRRRIIIICCCKK*

Wincing in pain and unable to return my head to forward-facing position, I hear the muffled giggles of Dog and Cat from the hallway outside my bedroom. It’s 8:32 AM.

I throw on a smokey t-shirt from last night. I pee. I make coffee. I open the back door and step out of the way of the stampeding dog and cat who cautiously, excitedly dart past me like children afraid of being spanked and with you-can’t-catch-me giggles. Jerks.

I drink my coffee from my favorite Buffalo Sabres mug and stare out the back window as I try to massage my neck with my free hand. I watch my pets chew on sticks, pee on bushes and rambunctiously chase each other around the yard trying to bite the other’s tail.

I think about last night and how grateful I am to live in a city where our online community backs up the internet chitchat and holds informative and fun social networking events. The Richmond chapter of Social Media Club had another great turnout. The topic of using social media in your local business’s marketing strategy was something that, I think, a lot of attendees found very informative. Of course, the real fun took place afterwards at Mekong Restaurant, where we enjoyed delicious (and complimentary – thanks, An) Belgian beers and Vietnamese food. I was talking with a fellow freelancer and newcomer to the SMCRVA-scene about how our online community has grown into an actual professional and social network that can generate real business for people like us. Writers talk to marketers. Marketers talk to business owners. Business owners talk to the web developers. It’s not only a great vehicle for shameless self-promotion, but also the perfect place to find collaborative partners with similar interests.

The professional side of networking eventually gave way to the hash brown side of networking when some of us rolled up to the Waffle House. Of course, HashBrownNetworking always gives way to EmbassySuitesNetworking, which is the perfect and most ridiculously awesome way to cap off the night. The gossip flies and the wine flows like wine. Or like beer. No, the beer flows like wine. Whatever. I think we need to have a week-long convention. Vegas, anyone?

But where was I? Ah, yes. Stupid Dog and Cat are now pawing at the door.

Me: No, sorry. I don’t want whatever you’re selling.

Dog: Let us in!

Me: What? No, sorry. I’m not interested.

Cat: Not funny!

Me: No, thank you. I don’t want any.

Dog: C’MON!

Cat: I’m hungry!

Me: Sorry. Can’t hear you. Please get off my property.

[Now we're just staring at each other through the window]

Me: Okay. Bye.

I walk away and pour myself more coffee. I’m thinking about the articles I need to start writing. I’m thinking about how much I enjoy my life right now. Still broke, still *technically* unemployed, but really feel as if I’m on the right track, career-wise.

This is Day 142, folks. Muffled barks and meows coming from the back door.

Malljob hooked me up with a full week of work, today being my only day off from the retail establishment. I’ve got a laundry list of things I need to get done today, including, well – laundry and a few days worth of articles and an impromptu Bloggers’ Symposium with my interweb partner-in-crime. Add to that the personal writing project that needs attention, employment opportunities that need my résumé, and an unkempt lawn and you’ve got yourself the recipe for a busy day. I’ve already pounded a pot of coffee and I’m about to start chewing on the doorknobs. Oh, and we’re starting a new exercise routine tonight. One that involves me curled up in the fetal position trying to catch my breath and sobbing while my wife runs around the park hurdling puddles like a gazelle.

We had a great weekend with Wifey’s birthday on Saturday. Had a absolutely amazing dinner at Acacia (on Cary & Robinson, for all you RVAers), then met up with some friends for drinks at a couple of nighttime hotspots around town. Going out on the town with friends is something we haven’t been able to do for a hot minute because of our money situation. But, being a special occasion, we sucked it up, had some laughs and celebrated her making it through another year. Needless to say, somebody had a head like a mule (her father’s saying for ‘headache’) for her brunch shift the next morning.

Being Monday, I have high expectations for the week ahead. While I’m not sure I’ll hear anything back from the job opportunity in Charlotte this week (still keeping fingers and toes crossed for that one), I am expecting a couple of calls for other projects that will keep me afloat for a little while longer. With malljobbin’ all this week, I’m limited to working on my freelance undertakings in the early morning or late at night. Which is fine with me. I’m usually pretty productive in the early mornings, right after I gnaw on a doorknob.

I wasn’t going to mention Noodles the kitten because I don’t want to be one of those insane feline-freaks who talk about cats on their blog. Okay, I’ll be honest. My last blog about the cat received the most traffic on this site in a while. Cat people are strange, and they like to read about the kittehs. Believe me, I used to work with a cat lady. She would spend the better part of her day searching for cats on the internet and looking at pictures and videos of cats sleeping. So, yeah. Shameless inclusion of Noodles the Cat in this post, just so I can tag it “Cat” and get more traffic. Whatever. Don’t hate.

This is Day 110, folks. Busy week ahead. New exercise routine that will give me shin splints and hopefully get rid of one of my chins. Malljobbin’ like a champ. Ready to sink my teeth into a regular full-time career. In the meantime, I think I’ll sink my teeth into the cat.