MattOnFire

Oh hey. Remember Matt? Probably not. I don’t remember the guy who wrote all these blog posts, either. He seemed like  a pretty cool gent, though. He had a chill work-from-home job, an affinity for sandwiches, a killer wit and a dog that talked. Last I heard, he started a new in-office job and had a kid. Poor guy.

I heard he dropped a bunch of weight – like a bag of mulch worth – in a few months! That’s crazy. But I think he gained most of it back. Yeah, last I heard, he was making excuses about having a job where he sits most of the day and not having the  time or energy to exercise because of the baby. If you ask me, I’d say he’s lazy. Fat and lazy.

Yeah, his daughter was born in October. Lucy, I think. I hear she’s a real doll. Word on the street is that she’s the cutest baby ever in the history of babies, and there’ve been a lot of babies born since humans evolved from apes. And apparently, she’s even cuter than ape babies. Don’t take my word for it. Check out his Instagram stream or Facebook page – the damn thing is covered in baby pictures! Remember the days when he posted pictures of food? Yeah, now it’s all baby, all the time. I remember when he was all, “I’m not going to bombard people with baby pictures. No one cares. No one wants to see pictures of someone else’s baby.” Ha! We see how well that worked out for him. New parents – always with the damn baby pictures. Seriously, buddy – maybe mix it up with a picture of a lake or cat every once in a while.

That job of his takes up a lot of his time. Well, not more time than any normal person’s job. It’s just that when he worked from home, he could pretty much do whatever he wanted during the day, as long as his work got done at some point before the end of the week. I remember seeing random tumblr posts from him at, like, 2 in the afternoon! Who the hell has time to make a Star Wars meme at 2 in the afternoon on a Wednesday? Not anymore. Welcome to the real world, buddy – where people get paid to do actual work during business hours. He does get to travel a little bit here and there, which would be awesome if he wasn’t deathly afraid of flying. I hear, though, he has a garage full of free kitchen appliances sometimes gets to meet celebrity chefs (not often) and has media dinners at Michelin Star restaurants (also not very often), so he deals with the flying thing. For the most part, though, he dicks around on the internet all day. But for work, not in a stalk-ex-girlfriends-on-facebook sort of way. Yeah, he actually enjoys his job. Weird.

I think his wife is teaching back at the school where she started her teaching career, which is a good thing. It keeps her close to home and, of course, that baby of theirs. Finding a decent daycare was probably tough for them. I think they had to scramble to find one because their babysitter up and quit unexpectedly. I hear that daycare stuff costs a lot of money. And it’s a cesspool of snotty noses and baby coughs. In fact, I think Matt is home today with little Lucy because she’s sick. I heard that the doctor said it was RSV. That stuff is highly contagious, so she probably picked it up at daycare, and she certainly can’t go back to daycare to spread it around to the other babies. She’s probably sleeping right now. That must be why he’s got time to update his blog.