MattOnFire

I’m no meteorologist, but I’m pretty sure this hurricane Ida was supposed to come ashore somewhere in the Gulf Coast. You know, Alabama or something. So why has it been raining non-stop in Central Virginia for the past 2-3 days?

I’ll tell you why, and please don’t confuse this story with Bill Cosby’s brilliant Noah & God Conversation, or the turd of a movie Evan Almighty.

I was watching the weather report on CNN the other day. Sitting on my favorite chair. Wearing my favorite pajama pants and a shmedium hoodie. I was drinking tea, as I recall.

“So Ida will come ashore late tonight or early tomorrow. Dauphin Island will take the brunt of this slow moving storm. Flooding and high winds are to be expected. Now back to you, Rick Sanchez, you smug little jerk. And yes, we’re all fully aware that you speak Spanish.“

The dog walked into the room and opened the front closet door, which was odd because he doesn’t have opposable thumbs, therefore making it extremely difficult to open a door. But he did. I saw him.

“Hey, have you seen my waincoat?” he asked. (He can’t pronounce his Rs or Ls.)

“What? No. Why do you need a raincoat, Dog?” I replied.

“Uh… because this system is going to staww out ovuh Wichmond and we’re gonna be effed.”

“You’ll be fine.”

“Wemember Gaston a few yeaws back? Wemember how I was swimming in your apawtment?”

“Yeah. That was crazy.”

“Wook, I didn’t wanna tell you this, but I spoke to God wast night.”

“You did what now?”

“He said we wuh gonna get wain for a wong time and I need to make shuw we stay safe.”

“Mmm hmm.”

“He asked me to buiwd an awk”

“A what now?”

“Awk.”

“What’s an ‘awk’?”

“Awk! Awk! A-Oww-Kay. Awk!”

“Oh, an ARK. Gotcha.”

“Anyway, I need to get stawted on this awk. It’s supposed to be pwetty big, too. Do we have a saw somewhewe?”

“No.”

“You don’t have a saw?”

“No. You’re not building an ark.”

“Yes I am. God said so.”

“I don’t have a saw.”

“Do you have some wumbuh?”

“What the hell are you talking about?”

“Wumbuh! Wum-Buhh.”

“Lumber? No. What do I look like, Home Depot?”

“Fine. I’ll have to find these matewials somewhewe ewse.”

“God talked to you?”

“YES!”

“What does he sound like?”

“Wike a wewwy deep voice and kinda wike a bwack guy.”

“God is a black guy?”

“I dunno. Kinda, I guess.”

“Interesting.”

“By the way, do you know what a cubit is?”

“No. I think it’s one of those biblical measurement terms. Roughly equal to some king’s forearm or something.”

“Gweat. He gave me all these dimensions in cubits. This is gonna be hawd.”

“Yeah, well you better get to work. It’s supposed to start raining tomorrow.”

“Wight! I’m on it! Oh. Wait. Any idea whewe I can find a coupwe of giwaffes?”

“The zoo?”

“Yeah, I need two of ‘em. And I need paiws of other animaws, too. Wions. Beaws. Deew. Gowiwwas. You know, animaws.”

“Can’t help you there, buddy.”

“I awso need to make suwe the awk is stocked with wots and wots of cat food, fow some weason.”

“…”

“…”

“Really, dog? Cat food? Think about that for a moment.”

“… I’m such an idiot.”

Just then the cat burst out in laughter and jumped out from behind the couch holding a megaphone.

“Yo, dawg! I need you to build an ark because I’ma make it rain like a mofo up in here!” he said into the megaphone. Then he rolled around on the ground laughing hysterically. “Cat food! Priceless,” he shrieked. “What a dummy!”

I couldn’t help but laugh, too. The dog is really gullible.

“You guys aw juhks!” the dog sobbed and sunk away to hide in the bathroom.

“What’s a cubit?” the cat repeated, still rolling in laughter.