Hey, here’s an idea!
Write a blog about not having health insurance and how terrified you are about injuring yourself because you don’t want to be financially ruined. Then, the following day, invite some friends over to your neighborhood pool for some good ol’ fashioned lounging, laughing and libations. Remember to ignore the stern “No running!” warnings that every lifeguard you’ve ever had the pleasure of meeting in your entire life commanded, and run – run like there’s no tomorrow and giggling like a school girl – around the perimeter of the pool before leaping, Mikhail Barishnikov-style, into the water.
And as you leave the ground, slip awkwardly and jam your big toe into the pool ledge, causing you to flail wildly in mid-air before splashing down on your friend Brandon (played by Telly Savalas), who originally intended to play the part of the jumped-over-guy, but now is playing the part of trying-to-protect-himself-from-your-flying-crotch-guy.
Other than the unfortunate and accidental manbits grabbing (which falls into the category of ‘Things We Don’t Speak Of’), you seem no worse for wear. A little embarrassed, sure. But no real damage done… until you climb out of the pool.
“What? No I’m not.”
“Uh… look at your toe.”
[Looking at the bloody puddle you're standing in] “Hmph… It appears I am.”
“You okay? Does it hurt?”
“What? Yeah, no. I’m fine. Just a little scrape.”
“You might wanna get some peroxide or a band-aid or something.”
“Don’t tell me what to do. Now… who wants cheese on their burger?”
Hours (and I mean HOURS) later, you realize you’re limping. Your toe is swollen and looks like a black and blue Megan Fox thumb. This can’t be good. But you don’t have health insurance – and really, what can they do for a broken toe? Tape some popsicle sticks around the biggest piggy and tell you to elevate your foot? No thanks, Doc. Sell your medical snakeoil to another sucker. You’ve got band-aids, a bag of ice and a freezer full of popsicles at home. It’s like your own personal free clinic – without all the gonorrhea and coughing.
After a couple of days, the swelling will subside and the pain will recede. It’s probably just a sprain, anyway, you big baby. The discoloration? Oh, that’s totally normal. You’ll know it’s gangrenous when it starts to stink like a burning raccoon. So cowboy up, Nancy. I challenge you to a game of horseshoes.
A game of horseshoes! Brandon?
This is Day 68, folks. Really – the toe is fine. I hope. It’s just God’s way of showing me he has a sense of humor… and reads my blog.